2009 NFL First Round (Picks 1-10)

Here are my thoughts on the top 10 players taken, and brief look at the rest of the first round.

1. Lions - Matt Stafford (QB) - I'm not sure why he is so highly regarded. Even though he was surrounded by some very talented players at Georgia, he never did anything. A strong arm and good size will only get you so far, just ask Ryan Leaf and Josh Freeman after Tampa Bay discards him. I am quite sure he is no Matt Ryan, who was surrounded by marginal talent at BC.
2. St. Louis - Jason Smith (OT) - Over the past few years, I've watched quite a few B12 games, but I never noticed this kid. To be honest, I don't typically notice offensive lineman anyways. Because he used to play some tight end, I would expect him to be pretty athletic.
3. Kansas City - Tyson Jackson (DE) - In the 2001 draft, the Chiefs took Eric Browning (DT) with their first pick of the draft in the third round. In 2002, they took Ryan Sims (DT) with the #6 pick. In 2004, they took Junior Siavii (DT) with their first pick (#36 in the second round). In 2006, they took Tamba Hali (DE) with the 20th pick. In 2007, they took Turk McBride (DE - 2nd round, 54th overall) and DeMarcus Tyler (DT - 3rd round, 82nd overall). In 2008, they take Glenn Dorsey (DT) with the 5th pick. In 2009, you guessed it, they take Tyson Jackson (DE) with the third pick. Enough already with the defensive linemen. It's not working you lame dicks.
4. Seattle - Aaron Curry (LB) - They were probably thinking WTF?!? when this guy fell to them. I expect him to be solid but not spectacular. Maybe a few pro bowls and some all-pro teams.
5. NY Jets - Mark Sanchez (QB) - After giving up almost all of their picks for the next decade to move up, the Jets took Sanchez. The 2009 version of Matt Leinart.
6. Cincinatti - Andre Smith (OT) - This guys a schlub. He'll fit right in with the circus in Cincinatti. This pick guarantees that this will be Marvin Lewis' last year.
7. Oakland - Darrius Heyward-Bey (WR) - You think they might take Crabtree or Maclin? Nope. The circus continues.
8. Jacksonville - Eugene Monroe (OT) - Now, if they only had a QB for him to block for.
9. Green Bay - B.J. Raji (DT) - For some reason, I just don't see defensive linemen, and in particular defensive tackles, being the pillars of a defense. If I were a general manager, I would never take defensive lineman with a top-20 pick. See the Chiefs discussion above for a recent success story.
10. San Francisco - Michael Crabtree (WR) - He will take a few years to develop. Hopefully he doesn't sign a deal for more than 3 years. Without a decent QB to throw to him, he will become a malcontent.

None of these guys will be worth the money teams have to spend on them. An exception may be found in one or both of the OTs taken (Monroe & Smith). Apart from Crabtree, I doubt we'll be hearing much about any of the skill players taken in the top 10 three years from now. I liked Denver picking Moreno, but then I remembered Shanahan is gone. With Maclin, Philadelphia either got Rocket Ismail or Eric Metcalf. I liked Indy's CT pick. Overall, there seemed to be a lot of defensive players picked and way too many defensive linemen went in the first round. What is it about defensive linemen? I don't understand it. I think 5 years down the road Donald Brown could be seen as the best player that came out of the first round. But, I am probably completely wrong and Darrius Heyward-Bey will already be a first ballot hall of famer.

MLB Predictions

Although the NFL draft is great and all, the topic has recently been covered, albeit with a B10 focus. Of those mentioned in that post, I think Shonn Greene will provide the best value wherever he lands in terms of contract money and production. While I'm not suggesting he will turn out to be LT, I think he will be the most productive player coming out of the mid-to-late rounds. I envision him landing softly with a good team and getting some playing time. Furthermore, he doesn't strike me as someone who will have character or work ethic problems in the NFL even if some of those problems lurk in his past. I think he will have something to prove. I also thought about talking about the NBA playoffs. But is there really anything to say when it seems nearly every NBA team gets into the playoffs? Instead of March Madness, the NBA has April, May, and June Madness. Can you really consider it a good season when you have a losing record and still make it into the playoffs? I dunno, but Stern seems to be flushing this thing (league) down the toilet. But what do I know, I only watch the NBA on Thanksgiving and Christmas. The league does not otherwise exist for me. So, here are my MLB playoff predictions based on almost one month of play. AL East - BoSox AL Central - ChiSox (but who cares really, it's the AL Central) AL West - LAngels (if their injured pitchers return to form and Fuentes holds steady) Wildcard - Seattle NL East - Philadelphia (FL is first two letters in fluke) NL Central - Cards (sort of like the AL Central for me) NL West - Dodgers Wildcard - Cubs DP Winners - BoSox, LAngels, Cards, Dodgers CS Winners - BoSox, Dodgers WS Winners - Dodgers

NFL Draft

I love the Draft. Love it. If I could get away with it, I would sit and watch it for at least 4 hours each day it's televised. And when I was single, I did just that. Now with a wife and kid, however, I try to keep it on in another room and randomly sneak in there to catch a peek. As of right now, there are at least 20 mock drafts presented by either si.com or espn.com writers. Some of those 20 are merely alterations of preexisting mocks, but I'd say 10-15 are legit original mocks. Don Banks does one, Mel "Hair" Kiper, McShay, they all put one out. And because they're way more "in" than I am, I'll decline to guess on the 1st round myself. All it would be is a compilation of everybody else's hard work anyways, and I'm not into stealing unless it involves drugs and / or hookers. But I digress. Instead, I'm going to offer my list of top 5 underrated players and top 5 overrated players from the B10, each of whom figure to be a 1st-day draft selection. You'll see names like Beanie Wells, Brian Robiskie, Shonn Greene, and even a little Vontae Davis for good measure. So without further adieu, here we go: Overrated

1. James Laurinaitis. Seriously. How many times does a big-time OSU product have to come out into the NFL and suck absolute dick until we all figure out that OSU can't produce a pro product to save their soul. Quick, name an OSU linebacker who's worth a shit in the NFL. .....got any?.....A.J. Hawk? Really? Is that all you've got? Ok, he's decent, but he's nowhere near the hype he received. And I'm here to say that Laurinaitis won't be either. Nowhere near, actually. Besides, go ahead and refer to Andy Katzenmoyer if you need any true examples of all-time FAILS from OSU.
2. Javon Ringer. This is a bit of a stretch, because it's entirely likely that this jackass doesn't crack the top 3 rounds. That being said, however, watch for this guy to go all Ron Dayne on people and proceed to suck balls for the life of his career. Which, in my guess, should last about 3 seconds. He put up some decent numbers this past season, but when you run it 40 times a game, you're bound to get a few 100-yard games.
3. Aaron Maybin. Mr. Maybin, meet Vernon Gholston. Vernon, meet Aaron Maybin. The two of you are identical to one another, only people are sold on Mr. Maybin being disruptive in the right system. I see a speed rusher without any heart (no, not you, Vernon; I'm talking about Aaron right now, though I understand how you could be confused), and is too young and stupid to know any better. He may be decent in 3-4 years, but certainly not right now.
4. Malcom Jenkins. Sensing a pattern here? I hate tOSU, I think their defense is perennially overrated (they play a great system and are very smart, but can get burnt by equal athleticism, which few B10 teams possess), and Jenkins all but proved my theory with his 40 time approaching 5.2 seconds (not quite; it was closer to a 4.9, which is still a joke for a CB). Ultimately, Jenkins may get switched to FS or SS and excel, but I don't see him as a CB. Not even close.
5. Bradley Fletcher. Here is my non-homer pick of this post, because I absolutely adore Fletcher. He's a guy that came in, did everything asked of him, and generally made every play that was needed. Yet he never truly blew anybody away with his playmaking. He never had any "wow" defensive moments, and I never saw him dominate one side of the field like a true CB should be able to do. Granted, that could have been the system he's in, but I'm not sold. I see Fletcher as a situational CB at best, and a special teams flyer at worst.

Underrated

1. Shonn Greene. Homer pick here, being a Hawkeye, but I see Greene just blowing people up in the pros. He laid entirely too many defenders down with pure, brute force, and once he gets into permanent football shape, he won't need 5 games to warm up like he did for the Hawkeyes. He lacks pure top-end speed, sure, but he'll get you 5-6 yards per carry with his eyes closed. His vision for holes in the line is borderline unparalleled, and he refuses to go down after the first hit. He may never put up 2000 yards in a season, but he'll be a solid starter or a great 1-2 back in the thunder-lightning mold.
2. Brian Robiskie. Talk about a guy that runs crisp routes and catches everything in sight. Robiskie is similar to Greene in that he'll never light you up going deep, but if you need a 12-yard out pattern to get a first down, this guy will be open, guaranteed. All you need to do is have the ball with 5 yards of him, and it's his.
3. Travis Beckum. The poor man's Brandon Pettigrew, only a bit smaller. I (heart) this kid, and if he can find a team that doesn't need him to block all that much (see: Colts, Indianapolis), he's going to make a coach very, very happy. His routes are solid, his hands are like feather pillows, and he's a nimble little bugger for a tight end. I cheer for this kid despite the bloody W on his collegiate helmet.
4. Vontae Davis. I hate making this pick, because with the family heritage he's got (and requisite similarity to being a giant douche like his older brother), I'm terrified that he'll go all vagina in the NFL and proceed to suck. But with his skill, he has the ability to really produce. I don't see him being an All-Pro by any means, but he can be a legit starter for a playoff team for the next 10 years, if only he decides he wants it bad enough.
5. Derrick Williams. In order to attempt a fair and unbiased look at this, I'll throw Williams in there, because I see blazing speed, great hands, and a kid who started as a star and ended as a star. I don't necessarily think Mr. Williams will ever be a #1 WR, but he could be a very solid slot guy (a la Anthony Gonzalez from OSU), or a decent #2 WR.

So there you go. My B10 look at the first 3 rounds of the upcoming draft.

Stupid fantasy baseball

I HEART fantasy sports. HEART them. Used to hate 'em, so much so that I utterly refused to play any. Then one year in law school, some buddies asked, and I've been hooked ever since. At present, I'm in 3 baseball leagues, 2 NBA leagues, and golf. I was in 3 additional NCAA tournament groups (not to mention other brackets I filled out for money), and hockey. But as much as I love them, as much as I adore spending time watching my team, I have a complete inability to do well in baseball. No, that's not even fair; I suck donkey balls in fantasy baseball. Huge, hairy, horrible donkey balls. The best I've ever finished in baseball is, I think, 4th out of 7 teams, and that's only because the three below me were a monkey, a midget, some guy in a wheelchair, and Britney Spears' vagina (which, surprisingly, knows its baseball -- no doubt, I was impressed too). Which brings me to this year. Of the three leagues I'm in, I currently hold 2nd place in one, 2nd-to-last in another, and 6th in the third. I know it's early in the season, but it's starting off just like every other: draft guys who bat .200 for the first month of the season, then be too far behind to catch up later on. We've got 6 more months until the MLB Playoffs, and my teams already blow. I hate Mark Texiera.

WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS!

So UNC won the National Championship. Champagne has been poured, celebrations have been celebrated, and future NBA stars (Blake Griffen) / busts (insert name here from Duke's roster) have entered their name into the draft pool. What's left? Well, the following is my top 5 for next year, based on who hasn't declared as of today, and some assumptions on who will declare: 1. Michigan State: almost the entire team comes back, minus Vladimir Slobodek (isn't that the big white dude's name that graduates this year? No? Suton? Oh, shit; well, they're all crazy names to me), and everybody is a year wiser. The latest trend in college basketball is for true championship teams to dominate when they have a few real good Freshman in their top 8, but legitimately rely on Juniors and Seniors to carry the load. MSU's top player will be a Sophomore, but they've got that championship game experience to fall back on. 2. Kentucky: with Calipari taking over the reigns there, and presumably bringing a few top-notch recruits with him, expect the Wildcats to quickly regain a top-5 presence. In fact, the Kentucky faithful may seem a run of dominance through the SEC that has never been seen before. Bruce Pearl can recruit, but Kentucky is the true basketball school in that conference. Watch out, SEC fans. 3. Villanova: for this pick, I'm assuming that no underclassmen on that team jet. It won't happen, sure, but I didn't see any standout performances to really justify an early departure. If half the starting backcourt jets, well, then, go ahead and assume they drop a few spots. They've got some incoming young kids that can pick up the reigns, but I don't see them being an all-out force with 2 freshman guards starting. 4. Syracuse: again, I'm assuming some guys from the 'Cuse stick around. I don't see the "ugliest-white-guy-in-America" (Devendorf) leaving, and I assume Flynn sticks around too. Quietly, Jim Boeheim has built another strong squad, and they're getting old enough to make a serious run. 5. Purdue: for this, I'm assuming that Hummel stays healthy. He's the key cog to that machine, because he can run, shoot, rebound, pass, and is a real smart basketball player. If he stays healthy, he can neutralize a lot by simply being the smartest player on the court at all times. Now, a few caveats. The teams I left off for a reason: 1. Kansas. KU has the talent to be sick, again, next season. But I see both Collins and Aldrich taking off. Aldrich is sick inside, something that infuriates me to have to admit, but you just don't see truly dominant big men stick around in college longer than they have to. The last to do that was Tim Duncan, and Aldrich is no Duncan. I think he's gone, and without him, Kansas has to rebuild on the inside a bit. 2. UCONN. UCONN is another team that, to me, will lose quite a bit. Thabeet is gone, Price will leave, Adrien was a senior...and that's 3/5 of a team that lost to MSU already. They have pieces to rebuild, sure, but not a top 5 team to start the year. 3. Duke. I hate Duke, plain and simple. And while they may hit #1 in the season, it's because they are a great regular season program. Won't do shit in the postseason, because Coach K recruits smart players and not enough athletes, but I refuse to acknowledge a team that will always choke. Always. 4. UNC. North Carolina is another team that can and will reload. Ultimately, I see them being a top 10 team. But when you lose Lawson, Ellington, Green, Hansborough...and the fucking mascot, because he was a senior too, you're bound to start off slow. It just happens. 5. West Virginia. WVU will be a top 10 team, and I see them being scary-good by the end of next season. But Huggins is another guy I just can't trust all that much, until he proves it to me again. Wait for WVU to be successful in a tournament, then I'll sing his praise. Finally, I didn't have two B10 teams in there because I'm a B10 homer. I feel most comfortable with those two squads being in there, while the next 5 have (to me) obvious shortcomings. Purdue will likely be a 3 seed, or so, and MSU will probably end up being a 2 seed and ranked 6th or 7th. But I trust them to advance in next year's Dance over the teams I didn't rank, so that's why I put them in that order. If you don't like it, tell me your thoughts.

Nantz-In-Your-Pantz

While I will probably watch a substantial portion of the semifinal and championship games this weekend, most of my watching will probably be with the television muted, and it's all because of Jim Nantz. My gripe used to be with Jim Nantz and Billy "The Fudge" Packer. This is the same Packer that hired a psychic (he probably pulled Nostradamus out of the Rolodex - they were old college buddies) to find the O.J. Simpson murder weapon. And the same Packer that Nantz recently described as a father figure. Yeah, Packer is the crazy-as-fuck, nuttier-than-a-squirrel turd, mental patient/father Nantz never had. This year, I guess my gripe is only with Jim Nantz. Although my dislike for Packer may be spilling over onto Nantz, he seems to be quite the turd. He should be a first ballot invitee to the Musberger Bad Announcing Hall of Fame for his association with Packer. Every year I fervently pray to the Flying Spaghetti Monster (FSM), and sometimes the Easter Bunny, in the hopes that the Masters will fall on the same weekend as the Final Four. In the end, neither the FSM nor the Easter Bunny come through. Whatever. I'll just have to pretend that Nantz, in his best golf voice, is whispering sweet nothings into Fred Couples' ear at the Masters. The sweet nothings will be whispered in the back stall of the men's room at Augusta's 19th hole and undoubtedly address Couples' short game (long game, limp game, or whatev). The classic and critically acclaimed sounds of Sandler's "At a Medium Pace" will be playing in the background... In all seriousness, I'll probably give the Nantz-Kellogg pairing a go notwithstanding my dislike of the Nantz-Packer Final Four era. Butt in the end, I think there's better announcing talent out there.

NCAA Tournament

I'll move along from the talk of day-glo orange shirts, poo, and making eye contact with dudes in the stalls for a second. Allow me to discuss the NCAA tournament for a moment. In my introduction, I mentioned that I'll spend a lot of my time writing about the Big 10. Not only will I focus on the Big 10, but I'll focus even more on college sports, rather than those overpaid prima donnas we sometimes refer to as professional athletes. That being said, I'd like to quickly discuss the Big Dance. This year, I'm only in 5 tournament brackets, of which only 2 are for money. This is a small number for me. I'm usually in at least 4 paid brackets, plus an additional 5-6 free brackets. But since my Dad retired, and that window of $3-per-bracket-ass-kicking went away, I had to go cheap this year. Good thing, too, because I've only finished in the money once since I started doing this thing. When I won. And took 2nd. I hosted the pool, too. People didn't play in my pool again. Moving along. As most of you know, this weekend signals the Final Four, and then on Monday, the National Championship game. If you haven't been paying attention, and don't know we're at that stage of the best month in all of sports, then I urge you to throw yourself a Lemon Party, lock yourself in a room, and proceed to jerk off with razor blades. Because you suck. My initial pick to win it all, North Carolina, is still in it. My remaining Final 4 teams are all gone -- but that's mostly because I suck at picking teams, and I refuse to pick the favorites in all the games. (Unlike some women I know, who then try to act like they're all "smart" and shit. And I'm all, "Dude, your boobs are huge, but you know fuck-all about basketball," and they're all, "Oh my gosh, were you really talking about my boobs?!?," and I'm all, "Holy shit, you're retarded. But yes, yes I was." Moral of that story? Nothing. Except not to fuck with women in NCAA tournament brackets. It may lead you to talking about body parts while your wife is standing nearby. And then no sex for a month. Or two. Not fun. So who's going to win this year's tourney? My money's still on UNC. Lawson is the best PG in left right now, even with a bum toe. Hansborough isn't the dominating force he's made out to be, but he's got the best motor of anybody left (and maybe anybody ever to play the college game), and they can play 7-8 deep of absolutely ridiculous athletes. UCONN has the athletes, but I don't see the scoring; Thabeet is the most overrated big-dude I've maybe ever seen (seriously, does he do anything other than stand there and look stoned?), while their go-to scorer, Price, has a tendency to go cold from the outside for years at a time (literally; the guy can't shoot. He can go around almost anybody, but his jumper is worse than Shaq's). 'Nova has the athletes to run with UNC, but they don't have an interior defender to slow down Mr. Hansborough. He's not great, as I've mentioned, but he can tear apart weaker competition. And when 'Nova's guards can't dominate play, they're left without any true position to run roughshod over. Which spells doom against a team like UNC, who can score against anybody. The last team, Michigan State, provides the biggest challenge to UNC in my mind, and that's only because they force teams to play at their speed, and their speed only. Look at Louisville as a prime example. Louisville thrived on forcing turnovers and getting easy buckets. Against Team Izzo, they got zero fast break points. That's incredible. Absolutely incredible. So if the Flint-tards can exert the same will against UCONN, I don't see why they couldn't do the same thing to UNC. Also, it helps that they'll have the entire state of Michigan at the games, seeings how the games are being played in Detroit. Ultimate predictions: I see MSU upsetting UCONN to get to the national championship. I see UNC beating 'Nova in a 90-85 sprint. Then UNC beats MSU 80-72, in a game that Ty Lawson absolutely dominates. You disagree? Tell me why and what's going to happen. Bring it, bitches.

Additional awkwardness

Lest any of you forget, some of my fellow Hawkeye fans explored the far-reaches of what is appropriate this football season. For the prudes out there, I'll summarize what happened: two people had sex in the handicapped stall at the Metrodome. When they were found by police, because a crowd of 15 people had begun to cheer them on, they were written tickets, and each were released to their respective significant others. And actually, this might be the best part: the woman was released to her husband(!!!), and the man was released to his girlfriend. Now, I don't know about you, but that reeks of classy, awesome, and fucking sweet. However, since the woman was then fired and had her name, picture, details, etc. thrown all over the Internet, I won't go on about how crazy the act was. Instead, I'm going to instill some additional rules, should you happen to see that day-glo orange t-shirt in a stall, glance in, and see some grab-ass going down. If that happens, please follow the following rules: 1) If it's a guy and a girl, stare. If you can reach over the door and offer up a high-five, do that. If the guy brushes you off, make loud noises in his general direction, and do what you can to eliminate the play-time and get his ass in trouble. Seriously: if some dude won't give you some love while getting some public love, it should be a rule that you burn his boner to the ground. Stat. One caveat, however: if the dude is straight-up hate-fucking that girl, be very wary. It may be indicative of an angry drunk, and you don't want to start a fight with a guy who's willing to do that sort of thing in the nastiness of a men's room -- he's likely not afraid of anything (this also applies to any guy who can barely keep his eyes open; that drunk is completely unpredictable. Though to be fair, it's entirely possible (nay, likely) that being that drunk would save you in a fight because he'd be too hammered to take a good swing.). 2) If it's the girl staring at you, wink at her and lick your lips seductively. Try to squeeze your finger in there to tickle her a little bit -- but only if you think she won't bite. And if she's hot enough. You may want to laugh if you see snaggletooth in there going to town, but may not want to touch. In this instance, use your best judgment. 3) If it's two women in there, make a scene. Scream. Clap. Grab every guy around you and encourage they break down the doors, take videos, and cheer as loudly as possible (please see also: snaggletooth, judgment needed). In addition to these specific thoughts, a few reminders as well: a) You have to remember that ultimately, this is sex in a nasty bathroom. If you look in, and see poo lining the walls, floors, and the people engaging in the sex act, feel free to not offer up any high-fives or attempts to tickle. I'm trying to help here, but I'm certainly not trying to get anybody diseased. b) If it's a buddy of yours in there, and this is a predetermined shagging, do whatever you can to play wingman. The option is always there to say "fuck it" and embarrass him anyways, but that's an issue between you and him. c) If it's a lady-friend in there, and you think she may be in trouble, then by all means, do what you can to assist her. Swinging wildly in the direction of the male is an option, as is kicking in the general direction of his crotch. If she's not in trouble, then try to determine, based on your friendship, whether you should reach in for the high five, take pictures, etc. You may risk your friendship by taking pictures, just to see the look of horror on her face, but again, this is something you get to decide on your own. Finally, the last rule: if you happen to follow the lucky individuals in the stall, don't sit down on anything. Don't touch anything. Hell, try not to look at anything. You don't know whose juices are where, who they belong to, etc. And to be safe, don't touch anything -- if you have rubber gloves, where those. Otherwise, try to bask in the glory of having just caught two people doing the nasty, and start preparing to tell and re-tell the story. Because it'll be a good one, especially if you were able to give a high-five in the middle of it.