Additional awkwardness

Lest any of you forget, some of my fellow Hawkeye fans explored the far-reaches of what is appropriate this football season. For the prudes out there, I'll summarize what happened: two people had sex in the handicapped stall at the Metrodome. When they were found by police, because a crowd of 15 people had begun to cheer them on, they were written tickets, and each were released to their respective significant others. And actually, this might be the best part: the woman was released to her husband(!!!), and the man was released to his girlfriend. Now, I don't know about you, but that reeks of classy, awesome, and fucking sweet. However, since the woman was then fired and had her name, picture, details, etc. thrown all over the Internet, I won't go on about how crazy the act was. Instead, I'm going to instill some additional rules, should you happen to see that day-glo orange t-shirt in a stall, glance in, and see some grab-ass going down. If that happens, please follow the following rules: 1) If it's a guy and a girl, stare. If you can reach over the door and offer up a high-five, do that. If the guy brushes you off, make loud noises in his general direction, and do what you can to eliminate the play-time and get his ass in trouble. Seriously: if some dude won't give you some love while getting some public love, it should be a rule that you burn his boner to the ground. Stat. One caveat, however: if the dude is straight-up hate-fucking that girl, be very wary. It may be indicative of an angry drunk, and you don't want to start a fight with a guy who's willing to do that sort of thing in the nastiness of a men's room -- he's likely not afraid of anything (this also applies to any guy who can barely keep his eyes open; that drunk is completely unpredictable. Though to be fair, it's entirely possible (nay, likely) that being that drunk would save you in a fight because he'd be too hammered to take a good swing.). 2) If it's the girl staring at you, wink at her and lick your lips seductively. Try to squeeze your finger in there to tickle her a little bit -- but only if you think she won't bite. And if she's hot enough. You may want to laugh if you see snaggletooth in there going to town, but may not want to touch. In this instance, use your best judgment. 3) If it's two women in there, make a scene. Scream. Clap. Grab every guy around you and encourage they break down the doors, take videos, and cheer as loudly as possible (please see also: snaggletooth, judgment needed). In addition to these specific thoughts, a few reminders as well: a) You have to remember that ultimately, this is sex in a nasty bathroom. If you look in, and see poo lining the walls, floors, and the people engaging in the sex act, feel free to not offer up any high-fives or attempts to tickle. I'm trying to help here, but I'm certainly not trying to get anybody diseased. b) If it's a buddy of yours in there, and this is a predetermined shagging, do whatever you can to play wingman. The option is always there to say "fuck it" and embarrass him anyways, but that's an issue between you and him. c) If it's a lady-friend in there, and you think she may be in trouble, then by all means, do what you can to assist her. Swinging wildly in the direction of the male is an option, as is kicking in the general direction of his crotch. If she's not in trouble, then try to determine, based on your friendship, whether you should reach in for the high five, take pictures, etc. You may risk your friendship by taking pictures, just to see the look of horror on her face, but again, this is something you get to decide on your own. Finally, the last rule: if you happen to follow the lucky individuals in the stall, don't sit down on anything. Don't touch anything. Hell, try not to look at anything. You don't know whose juices are where, who they belong to, etc. And to be safe, don't touch anything -- if you have rubber gloves, where those. Otherwise, try to bask in the glory of having just caught two people doing the nasty, and start preparing to tell and re-tell the story. Because it'll be a good one, especially if you were able to give a high-five in the middle of it.