Stupid fantasy baseball

I HEART fantasy sports. HEART them. Used to hate 'em, so much so that I utterly refused to play any. Then one year in law school, some buddies asked, and I've been hooked ever since. At present, I'm in 3 baseball leagues, 2 NBA leagues, and golf. I was in 3 additional NCAA tournament groups (not to mention other brackets I filled out for money), and hockey. But as much as I love them, as much as I adore spending time watching my team, I have a complete inability to do well in baseball. No, that's not even fair; I suck donkey balls in fantasy baseball. Huge, hairy, horrible donkey balls. The best I've ever finished in baseball is, I think, 4th out of 7 teams, and that's only because the three below me were a monkey, a midget, some guy in a wheelchair, and Britney Spears' vagina (which, surprisingly, knows its baseball -- no doubt, I was impressed too). Which brings me to this year. Of the three leagues I'm in, I currently hold 2nd place in one, 2nd-to-last in another, and 6th in the third. I know it's early in the season, but it's starting off just like every other: draft guys who bat .200 for the first month of the season, then be too far behind to catch up later on. We've got 6 more months until the MLB Playoffs, and my teams already blow. I hate Mark Texiera.

WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS!

So UNC won the National Championship. Champagne has been poured, celebrations have been celebrated, and future NBA stars (Blake Griffen) / busts (insert name here from Duke's roster) have entered their name into the draft pool. What's left? Well, the following is my top 5 for next year, based on who hasn't declared as of today, and some assumptions on who will declare: 1. Michigan State: almost the entire team comes back, minus Vladimir Slobodek (isn't that the big white dude's name that graduates this year? No? Suton? Oh, shit; well, they're all crazy names to me), and everybody is a year wiser. The latest trend in college basketball is for true championship teams to dominate when they have a few real good Freshman in their top 8, but legitimately rely on Juniors and Seniors to carry the load. MSU's top player will be a Sophomore, but they've got that championship game experience to fall back on. 2. Kentucky: with Calipari taking over the reigns there, and presumably bringing a few top-notch recruits with him, expect the Wildcats to quickly regain a top-5 presence. In fact, the Kentucky faithful may seem a run of dominance through the SEC that has never been seen before. Bruce Pearl can recruit, but Kentucky is the true basketball school in that conference. Watch out, SEC fans. 3. Villanova: for this pick, I'm assuming that no underclassmen on that team jet. It won't happen, sure, but I didn't see any standout performances to really justify an early departure. If half the starting backcourt jets, well, then, go ahead and assume they drop a few spots. They've got some incoming young kids that can pick up the reigns, but I don't see them being an all-out force with 2 freshman guards starting. 4. Syracuse: again, I'm assuming some guys from the 'Cuse stick around. I don't see the "ugliest-white-guy-in-America" (Devendorf) leaving, and I assume Flynn sticks around too. Quietly, Jim Boeheim has built another strong squad, and they're getting old enough to make a serious run. 5. Purdue: for this, I'm assuming that Hummel stays healthy. He's the key cog to that machine, because he can run, shoot, rebound, pass, and is a real smart basketball player. If he stays healthy, he can neutralize a lot by simply being the smartest player on the court at all times. Now, a few caveats. The teams I left off for a reason: 1. Kansas. KU has the talent to be sick, again, next season. But I see both Collins and Aldrich taking off. Aldrich is sick inside, something that infuriates me to have to admit, but you just don't see truly dominant big men stick around in college longer than they have to. The last to do that was Tim Duncan, and Aldrich is no Duncan. I think he's gone, and without him, Kansas has to rebuild on the inside a bit. 2. UCONN. UCONN is another team that, to me, will lose quite a bit. Thabeet is gone, Price will leave, Adrien was a senior...and that's 3/5 of a team that lost to MSU already. They have pieces to rebuild, sure, but not a top 5 team to start the year. 3. Duke. I hate Duke, plain and simple. And while they may hit #1 in the season, it's because they are a great regular season program. Won't do shit in the postseason, because Coach K recruits smart players and not enough athletes, but I refuse to acknowledge a team that will always choke. Always. 4. UNC. North Carolina is another team that can and will reload. Ultimately, I see them being a top 10 team. But when you lose Lawson, Ellington, Green, Hansborough...and the fucking mascot, because he was a senior too, you're bound to start off slow. It just happens. 5. West Virginia. WVU will be a top 10 team, and I see them being scary-good by the end of next season. But Huggins is another guy I just can't trust all that much, until he proves it to me again. Wait for WVU to be successful in a tournament, then I'll sing his praise. Finally, I didn't have two B10 teams in there because I'm a B10 homer. I feel most comfortable with those two squads being in there, while the next 5 have (to me) obvious shortcomings. Purdue will likely be a 3 seed, or so, and MSU will probably end up being a 2 seed and ranked 6th or 7th. But I trust them to advance in next year's Dance over the teams I didn't rank, so that's why I put them in that order. If you don't like it, tell me your thoughts.

Nantz-In-Your-Pantz

While I will probably watch a substantial portion of the semifinal and championship games this weekend, most of my watching will probably be with the television muted, and it's all because of Jim Nantz. My gripe used to be with Jim Nantz and Billy "The Fudge" Packer. This is the same Packer that hired a psychic (he probably pulled Nostradamus out of the Rolodex - they were old college buddies) to find the O.J. Simpson murder weapon. And the same Packer that Nantz recently described as a father figure. Yeah, Packer is the crazy-as-fuck, nuttier-than-a-squirrel turd, mental patient/father Nantz never had. This year, I guess my gripe is only with Jim Nantz. Although my dislike for Packer may be spilling over onto Nantz, he seems to be quite the turd. He should be a first ballot invitee to the Musberger Bad Announcing Hall of Fame for his association with Packer. Every year I fervently pray to the Flying Spaghetti Monster (FSM), and sometimes the Easter Bunny, in the hopes that the Masters will fall on the same weekend as the Final Four. In the end, neither the FSM nor the Easter Bunny come through. Whatever. I'll just have to pretend that Nantz, in his best golf voice, is whispering sweet nothings into Fred Couples' ear at the Masters. The sweet nothings will be whispered in the back stall of the men's room at Augusta's 19th hole and undoubtedly address Couples' short game (long game, limp game, or whatev). The classic and critically acclaimed sounds of Sandler's "At a Medium Pace" will be playing in the background... In all seriousness, I'll probably give the Nantz-Kellogg pairing a go notwithstanding my dislike of the Nantz-Packer Final Four era. Butt in the end, I think there's better announcing talent out there.

NCAA Tournament

I'll move along from the talk of day-glo orange shirts, poo, and making eye contact with dudes in the stalls for a second. Allow me to discuss the NCAA tournament for a moment. In my introduction, I mentioned that I'll spend a lot of my time writing about the Big 10. Not only will I focus on the Big 10, but I'll focus even more on college sports, rather than those overpaid prima donnas we sometimes refer to as professional athletes. That being said, I'd like to quickly discuss the Big Dance. This year, I'm only in 5 tournament brackets, of which only 2 are for money. This is a small number for me. I'm usually in at least 4 paid brackets, plus an additional 5-6 free brackets. But since my Dad retired, and that window of $3-per-bracket-ass-kicking went away, I had to go cheap this year. Good thing, too, because I've only finished in the money once since I started doing this thing. When I won. And took 2nd. I hosted the pool, too. People didn't play in my pool again. Moving along. As most of you know, this weekend signals the Final Four, and then on Monday, the National Championship game. If you haven't been paying attention, and don't know we're at that stage of the best month in all of sports, then I urge you to throw yourself a Lemon Party, lock yourself in a room, and proceed to jerk off with razor blades. Because you suck. My initial pick to win it all, North Carolina, is still in it. My remaining Final 4 teams are all gone -- but that's mostly because I suck at picking teams, and I refuse to pick the favorites in all the games. (Unlike some women I know, who then try to act like they're all "smart" and shit. And I'm all, "Dude, your boobs are huge, but you know fuck-all about basketball," and they're all, "Oh my gosh, were you really talking about my boobs?!?," and I'm all, "Holy shit, you're retarded. But yes, yes I was." Moral of that story? Nothing. Except not to fuck with women in NCAA tournament brackets. It may lead you to talking about body parts while your wife is standing nearby. And then no sex for a month. Or two. Not fun. So who's going to win this year's tourney? My money's still on UNC. Lawson is the best PG in left right now, even with a bum toe. Hansborough isn't the dominating force he's made out to be, but he's got the best motor of anybody left (and maybe anybody ever to play the college game), and they can play 7-8 deep of absolutely ridiculous athletes. UCONN has the athletes, but I don't see the scoring; Thabeet is the most overrated big-dude I've maybe ever seen (seriously, does he do anything other than stand there and look stoned?), while their go-to scorer, Price, has a tendency to go cold from the outside for years at a time (literally; the guy can't shoot. He can go around almost anybody, but his jumper is worse than Shaq's). 'Nova has the athletes to run with UNC, but they don't have an interior defender to slow down Mr. Hansborough. He's not great, as I've mentioned, but he can tear apart weaker competition. And when 'Nova's guards can't dominate play, they're left without any true position to run roughshod over. Which spells doom against a team like UNC, who can score against anybody. The last team, Michigan State, provides the biggest challenge to UNC in my mind, and that's only because they force teams to play at their speed, and their speed only. Look at Louisville as a prime example. Louisville thrived on forcing turnovers and getting easy buckets. Against Team Izzo, they got zero fast break points. That's incredible. Absolutely incredible. So if the Flint-tards can exert the same will against UCONN, I don't see why they couldn't do the same thing to UNC. Also, it helps that they'll have the entire state of Michigan at the games, seeings how the games are being played in Detroit. Ultimate predictions: I see MSU upsetting UCONN to get to the national championship. I see UNC beating 'Nova in a 90-85 sprint. Then UNC beats MSU 80-72, in a game that Ty Lawson absolutely dominates. You disagree? Tell me why and what's going to happen. Bring it, bitches.

Additional awkwardness

Lest any of you forget, some of my fellow Hawkeye fans explored the far-reaches of what is appropriate this football season. For the prudes out there, I'll summarize what happened: two people had sex in the handicapped stall at the Metrodome. When they were found by police, because a crowd of 15 people had begun to cheer them on, they were written tickets, and each were released to their respective significant others. And actually, this might be the best part: the woman was released to her husband(!!!), and the man was released to his girlfriend. Now, I don't know about you, but that reeks of classy, awesome, and fucking sweet. However, since the woman was then fired and had her name, picture, details, etc. thrown all over the Internet, I won't go on about how crazy the act was. Instead, I'm going to instill some additional rules, should you happen to see that day-glo orange t-shirt in a stall, glance in, and see some grab-ass going down. If that happens, please follow the following rules: 1) If it's a guy and a girl, stare. If you can reach over the door and offer up a high-five, do that. If the guy brushes you off, make loud noises in his general direction, and do what you can to eliminate the play-time and get his ass in trouble. Seriously: if some dude won't give you some love while getting some public love, it should be a rule that you burn his boner to the ground. Stat. One caveat, however: if the dude is straight-up hate-fucking that girl, be very wary. It may be indicative of an angry drunk, and you don't want to start a fight with a guy who's willing to do that sort of thing in the nastiness of a men's room -- he's likely not afraid of anything (this also applies to any guy who can barely keep his eyes open; that drunk is completely unpredictable. Though to be fair, it's entirely possible (nay, likely) that being that drunk would save you in a fight because he'd be too hammered to take a good swing.). 2) If it's the girl staring at you, wink at her and lick your lips seductively. Try to squeeze your finger in there to tickle her a little bit -- but only if you think she won't bite. And if she's hot enough. You may want to laugh if you see snaggletooth in there going to town, but may not want to touch. In this instance, use your best judgment. 3) If it's two women in there, make a scene. Scream. Clap. Grab every guy around you and encourage they break down the doors, take videos, and cheer as loudly as possible (please see also: snaggletooth, judgment needed). In addition to these specific thoughts, a few reminders as well: a) You have to remember that ultimately, this is sex in a nasty bathroom. If you look in, and see poo lining the walls, floors, and the people engaging in the sex act, feel free to not offer up any high-fives or attempts to tickle. I'm trying to help here, but I'm certainly not trying to get anybody diseased. b) If it's a buddy of yours in there, and this is a predetermined shagging, do whatever you can to play wingman. The option is always there to say "fuck it" and embarrass him anyways, but that's an issue between you and him. c) If it's a lady-friend in there, and you think she may be in trouble, then by all means, do what you can to assist her. Swinging wildly in the direction of the male is an option, as is kicking in the general direction of his crotch. If she's not in trouble, then try to determine, based on your friendship, whether you should reach in for the high five, take pictures, etc. You may risk your friendship by taking pictures, just to see the look of horror on her face, but again, this is something you get to decide on your own. Finally, the last rule: if you happen to follow the lucky individuals in the stall, don't sit down on anything. Don't touch anything. Hell, try not to look at anything. You don't know whose juices are where, who they belong to, etc. And to be safe, don't touch anything -- if you have rubber gloves, where those. Otherwise, try to bask in the glory of having just caught two people doing the nasty, and start preparing to tell and re-tell the story. Because it'll be a good one, especially if you were able to give a high-five in the middle of it.

Awkwardness

As you might have guessed using your inferential powers on the blog title, this post is about awkward encounters in public or semi-public restrooms and not sports, sports, or baseball. Awkwardness, however, is a universal feeling, and the use of this life-saving information bears a direct relationship with the level of joy one associates with patronizing sports events. The following is a list of common scenarios and the precautions one should take. 1. Making eye contact with a friend, acquaintance or complete stranger through the cracks in the stall -- As anyone who has ever used a public or semi-public restroom before, most stalls are constructed so that on either side of the stall door, there is more or less an eighth of an inch of space between the door and the sides of the stall. It is obviously an American design - shoddy, thought up by a 7th-year senior at your favorite undergraduate institution, and something a frat boy would love to use to check out other dudes. Invariably, at some point between your trip from the urinal or stall to the sink, you will place yourself in the unenviable position of being able to see through those cracks. As you walk by, a slight movement or maybe a day-glo orange shirt catches your eye and you reflexively glance over. To you horror, you make eye contact with the person in the stall. The impact of such an encounter is so great that many people simply leave the bathroom without hitting the soap, water or paper towels. I think that's the case at least. 2. As a result, people in stalls should abide by several rules if the possibility of an encounter such as the one above presents itself: (a) Never start a conversation with someone in another stall or outside the stall; (b) Eyes down at all times. The magazine was invented for this very reason. If at a sporting event, a program will do; (c) No noises should be made unless they are involuntary. Every effort imaginable should be made to perform all noisy excretory functions amidst the ambient sounds of flushing toilets, running water, blowing hand dryers, or my personal favorite, painfully fake coughing fits; (d) If possible, stay in the stall until the other person leaves. 3. If you're lucky, the stalls might not even have doors due to the concern for vandalism or lack of funding, in which case, everyone is very simply, SOL, or in some cases, in heaven. 4. Another common problem, is where sinks, paper towel dispensers, and other things are way, way too close to the urinal. More great design. Unfortunately, this is serious and it is a lose-lose situation for everyone. When the only open urinal is two fee or less from the sink, on the same vertical plane, and someone (probably your boss) is just starting to wash his hands, but hopefully not his face, there really is no chance to avoid an awkward moment. Your only chance to minimize the painful aftershocks of such an encounter is to follow some simple rules: (a) Always use a stall or a downstream urinal if one is available; (b) If no stall is available, don’t wait for one. Instead of being greatful for not getting unwanted full frontal nudity, the person (probably your boss) at the sink will wonder why you are standing around in the men’s room. Ultimately, this will exponentially increase the awkwardness. To minimize or reduce the awkwardness level, proceed to the urinal very slowly, but do not proceed too slowly. Absolutely no eye contact is permitted beyond this point; (c) Angle your body away from the sink-user as best you can. Preferably, the angle will be between15 and 40 degrees, depending on your level of comfort. Warning: getting this step backwards could lead to poor ratings on your next performance review or getting a swirly at the ball game; (d) Try to act as normal as possible during the ordeal. Refrain from sighing or making other guttural sounds or the usual “Come on…” pep talk you like to give yourself; (e) When finished, you must remember this is one time you utilize the two shake rule. No matter how cool you think the sink-user is, don’t kid yourself, he’s counting. 5. In the event you are the sink-user, don’t kid yourself into thinking this is one of those situations where you can skip the hand-washing. While facing away from the urinal user (preferably at a 90 degree angle), sneak in your hand-washing. A good way to guarantee you are not front row fo’ tha sho’ is to keep your ear parallel to the sink drain. Getting this trick backwards, however, could turn out worse than I care to imagine. 6. Other general rules of usage: (a) Do not linger in or around the restroom; (b) Do not shower in the sink. Violating this rule will also be considered a violation of rule 6(a). Plus, no one likes to use a sink that is soaking wet. This means no face washing; (c) Keep conversation to a minimum; (d) If faced with the small urinal/big urinal conundrum, choose the small urinal; (e) If there are troughs, like those often seen at sporting events, do not squeeze into between two people unless there is as at least four feet of space between them. Also, aim as straight as possible, the last thing you want to do is sword fight with a total stranger; (f) No handshakes or man-hugs; (g) Do not bring your beer in; (h) Always wash your hands. It’s not that I believe in germs, it’s just a good symbolic gesture to let everyone know that you know what happens in there stays in there; (i) Take your materials with you. Sure, if you leave your copy of Cos-“bro”-politan in there, I’m gonna read it, but it makes me feel so dirty afterwards. (Note: If you find yourself helplessly without reading material and you have to take the Cosbro, leave it where you found it. There’s nothing worse than bumping into someone and having that moment where they realize where they’ve left that magazine they were looking for.); (j) Do not shit in the urinals; (k) Do not shit in the sink; (l) It’s your shit. You are responsible for it. If you get up and see some on the back of the seat, do the honorable thing. In my book if you leave some shit on the seat, that stalls off limits. Though I’d rather not, if everybody does this, then I will, of necessity, violate rules 3(j) or 3(k). Hopefully, if we all can abide by these rules, this unpleasant but necessary experience can be just a little less awkward and the world will be a much better place. If we address this now, we can prevent the government from intervening, thereby postponing the seemingly inevitable shit tax. All this typing about masking excretory functions with other sounds brought to mind the dreaded sneeze-fart or cough-fart. Intending to do the former, you unintentionally do the latter, and hilarity ensues. Any more discussion of this though will have to be in another post.

I write good

You'll soon find that this blog has multiple writers. I'm one of them. I write good. Damn good. I'll concentrate almost entirely on the Big 10, though for big sporting events, I'll offer my thoughts every now and then. I welcome questions and comments, unlike the other writers, who firmly believe they're smarter than you, the reader. Which they are. But since I'm borderline retarded, I'm not concerned about hearing your feedback.